This period has been one of the strangest stages in my life. Weird things happened, which made me puzzle on the wisdoms behind their occurrences. Meeting with special people along the way is something I'd always treasure. Again, having fallen in love so deeply would be another beautiful pain.
Among the special people in the past few months are an Italian lady who is kind of a psychic. She somewhat told me that I was a star but there's a hole in my heart. "You are a star, but you have to believe it", that's what she said. She also told me she'd sew my wedding dress. I felt so touched by what she said. Indeed, I'd been struggling with my self-confidence for the longest period of time. As I grew up and became independent, supporting my family, I gained more confidence. But still spiritually, I surpressed myself in front of some grown-up women I'd been around with, who'd seen my beauty but at the same time judged my flaws as well. I didn't believe of the strong connection Mawlana had had with me cuz I was too afraid to be boastful about it. But I believe that Mawlana had somehow sent the Italian lady to boost up my confidence.
Another lady I met was from Holland, one of the warriors sent to prepare the time before Imam Mahdi (a.s.) came. She pointed out my birthmark and said I was special.
I met this German lady at Mawlana's place. She's special to me cuz although she'd been observing Mawlana only from the far, she always cried and her face would turn red. After the first day we introduced ourselves to each other, she dreamt seeing me appear enlightened in front of her. "Very beautiful!" she said. We still write to each other until now.
After that trip to visit Mawlana, I made my decision I had to go back to my hometown for some time, a couple of months to a year or so. A major decision in my life! It's not gonna be easy but I've gained more confidence in my connection with Mawlana, especially knowing that he works in me occassionally, he sends the people that come to me, he observes the guys that come for me and my interactions with them from the windows of his house, etc. I'll be fine insya Allah.
I met another German lady, who slightly looked like the German lady I met earlier. Then, I met another special lady, whom I've had the strong feeling that she's one of the warriors that prepares for the coming of Imam Mahdi (a.s.) as well. She is a British whose conversion initiated by Mawlana visiting her in her room, telling her to come to his place. I had the priviledge of joining her morning khatm once, with a small group of 5 to 6 ladies. The whirling I did then was different from any other whirling I did before. I saw the outpourings of lights from the heavens, coming down to fill up my teapot. The feeling was intensely beautiful. I fell on my knees and cried after the whirling. Only after some time, I realised it was the tajalli coming down.
Then, the latest special lady I met is another German, whose special ability is to speak with the nature. She knew about the tsunami 2004 from a huge tree months before the disaster. The tree said there'd be a big flood. Then, two days before the boxing day, she heard from one of the rivers in Germany, telling her that water was rising. Now, she did nature blessings and cleansings at some temples and nature reserves. She joined our sufi zikr for a couple of weeks already.
Apparently, my task in this city has somehow or rather settled at the moment. The ladies have had their own zikr group; it's up and running smoothly as how Mawlana wants it although it should be more mobile, accepting invitation to any lady's house no matter how far it is. I've found my replacements: one to coordinate the ladies zikr, another two to serve the ladies in the main group. They are still awkward though when serving the ladies, but they'll learn insya Allah.
One of my replacements is a special girl, whose 6-year old sister had seen the Prophet (s.a.w.) sitting in front of her when she was making the muraqabah. This girl is memorising the Qur'an at the moment. She's a special girl. Mawlana revealed who he really is to her. From the first time she came to the zikr, I told her she could come to me, but she didn't believe it. So, i let her did whatever she wanted. Until one day, somehow Mawlana made her believe that she could come to me if she needs anything cuz that's why I'm here for at the first place, for any of the ladies to come for anything under the Sun.
Alhamdulillah! It seems that almost all have been settled. I began to feel the lack of purpose in my life. Perhaps that's why I badly feel I wanna go back to my hometown though, to find my meaning again. Besides, apparently I have another mission there. The representative Shaykh in my hometown wants me to help setting up the ladies zikr there. I am a bit afraid though cuz I am nothing, and it's a burden to be seen as somewhat leading or coordinating. I don't like to be seen as something. Plus, the challenge to set up zikr group may be a lot tougher in Indonesia due to the number of extremist ideologies there, which are often being judgemental about others. But insya Allah, if Mawlana works through me, everything will be fine. I have to allow Mawlana to work through me to reach my family, relatives and friends too, aren't I?!
As my time in this city is almost up, I feel nervous and anxious. I don't want to go, but I have to. I might go insane if I continued staying here without anyone as a shoulder to cry on. No one here is obliged to be there for me, and it's exhausting to keep looking for people who are free to attend to me today. Then, I'd have different people consoling me at any different time, which is very inconvenient. I need at least one constant person. That's one of the reasons I decide to go back. It's time!
Nevertheless, I'm restless of leaving people I love here. Mawlana sent 3 guys around me at the moment. One I've fallen in love with and occassionally go out casually with me. The other just showed up a few days ago, he's my old time crush I saw at Mawlana's place, the son of one of Mawlana's representative in Germany. He responded to my request of getting to know him for the sake of marriage. The third one is the hottest guy in my previous office, who happened to bump into me the other day, invited me to join their lunch and flirted with me throughout. Strangely, the night before, I did dream about 3 guys sent to me while Mawlana was watching over me from his house. Ya Mawlana, what do you want me to do with these guys?! Anyone is for me?
I've confessed to the first one, whom I've fallen in love with, though. A chickened-out confession of mine, I did it through email. He's not an email person, so I doubt he has seen my confession. I hope he'd give me an answer in-time before I leave this city, which is in about one-month time.
Strangely again, some people who are sent to me are not even muslims. However, they have the light of spirituality in them. They have wisdoms and believe in God. Some have experiences spirituality in a certain way. Others are those with mental problems, black magic, unique gifts such as ability to do spiritual healing, seeing the unseen and so on, whose paths somehow cross my path frequent enough to make me realise I have to invite them to the Path. Dear Mawlana, am I indeed at the door as what I saw years back? Would you still hold me tight even if I'm one of the furthest?
We'll see what happens as the roses unfold -:)
