Part 2: Wondering

I often feel that some of my past close companions currently look me with one eye, ie. look down at me, as if I am somewhat an irritating, annoying and disgusting young lady. This makes me unable to look at them in the eye whenever they pass by.

Nevertheless, I still love them. And I observe each and every one with a feeling of missing them being around like last time. I still yearn to talk or write to them as what I used to do.

These people are those I look up to; those whom I consider the men of God.

Feeling terrible like this always makes me wonder: if honourable people like them look at me this way, how would God look at me? How ugly I must be in the Eyes of God. Every moment thinking how if God is the One who gives me that look really torchers me. Am I really that annoying? Am I really that ugly?

One bad habit I have is to admire other people's progress on the Path and to feel timid and feel small about my own slow and sometime stagnant progress.

Thursday khatm always recharges me. Seeing the beautiful faces of fellow seekers with the huge amount of lights adored upon their faces... SubhanAllah! I may know how people have spiritually made progress by the increase in the amount of lights in their faces. At times, I am made aware that something is wrong with one or two of them simply by noticing that the light on his or her face is dimmer than the last time I saw him or her.

In similar way, when one's face is more radiant than before, I know that he or she has been elevated to a higher spiritual state than when I saw him or her before.

Observing the conducts of the people of the Path is another way for me to somehow get a rough idea on other's progress. Many people on the Path have certain Shaykhs to advice them on spiritual matters and to consult on matters related to life. The moment I am brought to aware other's closeness to so and so who is of certain high level, or to so and so who can control the jinn, or to so and so who is khasf, I know they are on their way up inshAllah. This makes me feel timid because I am not close to anyone that special.

Many fellow seekers can perform so many of the awrad of the Path; this too makes me feel so down of myself. Many would always be aware on what to do when hearing azan, when the Prophet's name is mentioned, etc. Others would express appreciation on the coming of the Holy Months, or when seeing some Shaykhs' picture who are not of our tariqah.... This makes me feel I am nothing because I cannot do what they do, I cannot express how they express. I do not feel it.

I often ask myself, "Where am I among these beautiful people?"

One thing that makes me feel down and timid the most is to know that my observance of the Law (the Shari'ah) is not anywhere better than many of the men and women of the Path. There were occassions whereby my inability to obey the Law in my interaction with some fellow seekers has caused my closest companions to complain; they eventually stayed away from me.

From then onwards, I began to feel that I am like a dirty slut in many fellow seeker's eyes for not being able to fully conform with the Law.

So, when the circles of Love is brought together in gatherings of Remembrance of God, I always pull myself away at the corner, feeling timid of myself while observing and admiring others around. Despite of my interaction with people and my performance of duty assigned to me, I am hugging my spiritual self tight to my body at the corner of my heart... feeling sad and timid that everyone is leaving, climbing up higher and higher... leaving me here, down at the Door.

Will there be someone who cares enough to turn back and accompany me, and at the same time pull me up with him?

Part 2: My Feelings

Despite my efforts of being indifferent, I do care for him, for his well being spiritually and physically. I care if he has eaten, I care how he goes back home, and so on. Whenever I get something beautiful or precious from people, I would think of him because I want him to have it as well.

The other day for example, a man, whose daughter I love to play with, gave me a ta'wiz. It was not just another ta'wiz; it was read by Mawlana, the Principle of our school. He held it in his palm and recited some prayers upon it about two years ago. It had been kept by the man who gave me ever since; he did not know whom to give. Last week, while I was playing on the swing with his lovely daughter, he just gave that. I felt so special! I felt closer to Mawlana than ever before. It's like he (Mawlana) himself had wanted me to have it.

Anyway, so... the moment I got the ta'wiz, I thought of him (my beautiful blue bird), whether or not he has the same thing. The feeling of wanting to share it with him is there. He was in my mind.

Or like yet another day, when I walked pass by a Turkish stall selling many kinds of Islamic craft and calligraphy, I saw this beautiful rug with Ayatul Kursi written on it with some bluish and gold colour at the background. It's really beautiful. So, I got one for him. I could hardly get anything for myself. Nevertheless, I do not know how I am going to give him since he is not talking to me... or I am too embarassed to talk to him after what has happened.

Today, I bring it with me, intending to pass it to him as a gift for Eid. We'll see if I could at the end really pass it to him.

In short, whenever beautiful things come on my way, be it in the form of wisdom, dreams, other spiritual experiences, or material objects, or expression of love from Allah, Rasul and the mashaykh, at that moment I want to share those things with him. I want him to feel what I feel.

Isn't that called love?!

Part 1: His Daughter and Him

Just when I tried to be indifferent towards him, not looking at him when he is nearby although still glance at him once a while, avoiding to pass by in front of him and so on, I saw another Heavenly message that gives me hope to hold on to the love I have on him.

I was climbing up a spiral staircase, together with many other fellow seekers. He was not around; I wondered where he was. So, I stopped on a staircase landing, intending to wait for him. I was fine that others progressed faster than me as long as he was with me. So, I waited.

I looked downwards to the flocks of seekers climbing up to where I was, and there I saw him. He was climbing up while carrying his three to four year old chubby, cute daughter on his arms. He moved up together with a few elder seekers.

Once he reached the landing where I was standing, I offered to carry his daughter for him. He was really happy; I could feel his feelings.

So, we both continued climbing upwards, with his maid (babysitter) following from behind, until we reached an opening (like a door) where a bright light coming from.

We went through that opening and walked across a hot and dry land towards the bus stop across. He teased me along the way. He was really happy.

At the bus stop, we rest. I laid down on one long seat on the bus stop, hugging his daughter on my chest. His daughter loved me. She laughed and laughed when I teased her. And I realised he was observing me, with eyes full of happiness.

A bus came; it was number 28. The maid sat at the back and we both sat in front because there was no longer seat at the back. I dragged him around; he was irritated but was patience still. Thanks for bearing!

At the end of the journey, I got off the bus, but he was not around with me. Our suitcases were still in the bus. Then, I saw him coming down from the 2nd level of the double decker. I was relieved. He was around still. He carried the suitcases to where I and his daughter rest.

I love being alone. It gives me opportunity to divide and feel the fractions of moments Allah gives me. It allows me to observe even the simplest things, such as a small ant on my way or the moss by the river bank. It gives me time to pace out and rest my thought and heart from people. It even gives me plenty of moments of awareness on how fast can my thought and heart work, how in every fraction of a second can many thoughts good or bad come on my mind.

Being alone presents me with more chances to return to God, to the connection with Rasul and the mashaykh, to realise the tonnes of flaws I have and repent for those weaknesses. It gives me time to reflect and contemplate more on physical and spiritual events that happen in my life, and learn from them.

I really enjoy being alone.

Nevertheless, I do feel lonely sometimes. Especially when the going gets tough, I need someone to be by my side, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on... someone whom I can just say my comments out whenever I am watching TV, someone I can ask for advice and consult with.

Feeling lonely is another lesson in pain for me. After those beautiful pain felt for broken hearts, which perhaps until now, I still experience it, loneliness is another type of pain Allah sends me to feel.

Nights of loneliness I have to just slowly bear, by talking to myself, my mashaykh, Rasul and God. At times, I wish I can feel them more real in physical manifestations. But, I am not of high level.

People tells me I should get married.

Well, it's not that I don't want. I want definitely if I have found someone I am in love with, who is strong enough to go through spiritual and physical journey with me. But now, I have no one in mind who is available, and I don't want to enforce getting closer to anyone whom I have no special feeling whatsoever with.

Besides, out of the time given to me, most of the time, I really enjoy being alone. Loneliness comes only occassionally. So, I should just bear inshAllah.

Indeed, God works wonder. Between my prayers last night, I put many supplications in my heart, asking Allah to give a complete happiness to the man I love but whom I cannot be with physically. I felt so in peace wishing him all the happiness in the world while putting my right hand palm on top of my left chest (on the heart). It was to me one of the most beautiful things I have ever felt.

Before dawn today, I saw that I was organising some events for the people of our path. He and a few other fellow seekers were helping out.

I bumped into him while having had to rush here and there, and I saw a lizard crawling on his head. So, I told him to stay still while I tried to brush it off. But the lizard ran down towards his feet and I followed with my hand, realising that I was very very close to his body. I wondered at the moment why he did not refuse me being that close.

Then the lizard got away and I faced him. He then asked me if I would be willing to marry him. Then without questioning, although there were lots of questions in my mind, I said 'of course'.

An overwhelming happiness flowed in my heart, but it was not my feeling that was put into my heart. It was actually his feeling of happiness that I was feeling.

I was so happy.

My life has been a miracle in itself. There are countless gifts Allah has given me; most of the gifts pass by unnoticed (I am so ungrateful!), but some are really treasured. One of those beautiful gifts is the dance that night, less than a month ago.

Allah has put love in my heart, for someone I currently believe to be my soulmate because I saw him in so many of my dreams, even when I was attached with others. Someone whom I feel at rest whenever I am with him. It is the person I believe to be my beautiful blue bird with the checkerd tail. Someone who is brought close spiritually but is unreachable physically. Someone whom my shaykh said would come to ask my hand for marriage but was not financially ready yet. Someone so dear to me that I would wish every single overwhelming feelings of knowing Allah bit by bit, every profound knowledge and wisdom that He has allowed to flow into my heart is also put into his heart. Someone who I would always ask Allah to bring at the same level as me, if not higher than me. Someone whom I would want to be the support behind his spiritual progress, through my supplication and love that has been put into my heart.

On the day when I told myself I was going to move on because it seems impossible to be able to be with him, Allah gave me that most beautiful gift I would always rewind in my mind whenever I feel sad.

I was looking intensely at the people dancing in the ballroom outside. I was in the room next to the ballroom, standing by the door, admiring with a little bit of envy to those people who were dancing outside. I always wanted to do ballroom dance; waltz and foxtrot are among my favourites. I watched those people with glowing eyes, eager to join them but had no partner to dance with.

Suddenly, I saw him from the far, coming towards me. He was in white pants and shirt, and I was in my green polkadot babydoll. I was nervous, not knowing what to do. So, I ran inside, trying to close the door before he got there. But I was too late. He held the door from outside, preventing me to close it. I had no other choice but to face him gracefully despite my heart was beating faster and blood was rushing to my head. My cheek turned red realising what was coming.

He asked me to dance with him. I was embarassed, but I did not want to say no. I love him. So, I accepted his invitation, and he led me to the dance floor.

He was an experienced dancer. He danced very smoothly, yet he was humble enough to guide me, the illiterate dancer, step by step. People around us were watching us. They obviously knew how good he was, yet they were still observing because they wanted to know how good I was for him. I did my best, learning every dance step very awkwardly. I was embarassed because I felt everyone was looking on my awkward steps, and I felt I was not good enough for him. But apparently, he was ok with it. I was obviously new to all these, and it's normal for him, who had experience in the dance floor before, to guide me along. So, I shunned away the thought that people were trying to pick on my flaws and just enjoyed the night.

I did not capture how the dance ended, but when I woke up, I realised that we were both sleeping on a seat in a passanger train. Our heads were leaning to each other's. I watched him asleep, so peacefully. I was happy. The thing that made me happier was that I then noticed that he was holding my hand and putting it on his chest as if he found peace and comfort in me. He found home in me.

I was so happy. It was the most beautiful gift Allah has ever given me. Until this point of time, the memory of the dance and the train journey with him is still one of the gems in my treasure box.

I was on the train again. And this time, I was stable because he was there with me. We support, encourage and strengthen each other. Alhamdulillah!

Last time, I often wondered why some people did not go to Thursday khatm in congregation together with the rest despite some fellow seekers saying that going to Thursday khatm is a must. Perhaps they were authorised to do khatm on their own.

Quite recently, in reference to one of my past dreams in which the hospital as an institution was shown, I realised that perhaps Thursday khatm is just like that 'hospital'.

People that are in the hospital are either patients, doctors, nurses, family members, cleaners, hospital managements, canteen owners, etc. The patients are definitely those who have sickness of the heart and need to undergo treatment. Some are doctors who examine, diagnose and prescribe the treatment. Others are nurses, who help the doctors in whatever needed and attending to the patients. Some one or two of the patient's family members, e.g. the mother, the sister, are there by the sick bed to take care and encourage the patient to recover. Some are the servants, who clean up and ensure everything is in place. The canteen owners would ensure food and beverages are available for all, and the managements are there to manage all: organising enrichment courses and useful activities, inviting external doctors (speakers), and building relations between all people in the hospital and with the outside world.

So, although not all people in the hospital are sick, we should always think that we are the sick ones and see others outside the hospital are the healthy ones.

Outside the hospital, there are indeed people who are authorised to do khatm on their own, with their family members or with others who are sent to them. These people are healthy, and in fact, they can treat and guide others. They are the private doctors in clinics, the teachers, the imams and so on. They have license to all these; well, at least... most of them do have. Only some may not be authorised, i.e. conduct illegal practice.

Nevertheless, not all people outside the hospital are healthy. Some are ignorants; they did not know or choose to ignore that they are actually sick. Others are arrogants, who know that they are sick but choose not to go to hospital believing that they can be cured on their own.

If we are one of those people out there, we should always ask ourselves if we are the ignorants, the arrogants, the teachers or the private doctors, or... if we are ignorant or arrogant teachers or doctors. We should always bear in mind that everyone does get sick, and eventually, needs to seek help with other doctors (in the hospital).

Besides, the Prophet (saw) also encouraged us to visit the sick ones (in this case in the hospital).

I know a doctor who is authorised to lead khatm in his family. Despite that, he still comes to the hospital once a while to help other doctors, or to just simply remind him of his root. I know a few other fellow seekers too, who despite of being authorised to conduct khatm on their own, still once in a while pop by at the hospital because either they know they are sick and need help at the moment, or to just visit other patients.

So, where are we? who are we? Are we the patients in the hospital? the doctor? the nurse? the mother? the ignorant? the arrogant?

Well, for me, if I can choose, I choose to be the mother who is sitting next to the dying bed of her son, taking care of him, encouraging him to have the spirit to be cured. I want to be the nurse, who is helping the doctor attending to the patients. I want to be the servants who serve everyone in need in the hospital, either the managements, the doctors, the patients or other fellow nurses, or even the canteen owners.

In short, if I can choose, I choose to be useful within the hospital compound.

ps:- The 'hospital' may not be fixed at one Thursday khatm institution wherever it is, but it can also be at the mawlids or other functions that the main group (trunk) of the circle of love are gathered. In fact, the 'hospital' that is closest to real one is not confined within space and time. What does that mean? Hehehe... It's too long to explain :)

Wallahu'alam

The higher authority felt that I, who was in Primary 6, was ready to teach. So, they assigned me to teach a session in the Primary 2 class. I got a few fellow Primary 6 students to assist me in the class, but I could not really see the number; perhaps at least three assistants.

So, I went into the P2 class. My assistants placed themselves around in the class. As usual, a new teacher always attracts much attention.

I told the students that I wondered if they want to know my name. So, until one of them asked my name, I would not start teaching. So, the class kept quite for some time. My assistants and I smiled at each other. It's either the students were too shy to ask, or they preferred not to have the class started.

At the end, I started the lesson anyway. I asked them to ponder upon something. I could not really hear what that something was actually. But I remembered one student, a girl, raised her hand and answered my question. She said that if someone in the group falls flat to the ground, we would not want to have all the people in the group also falling flat on the ground. At least one person should not fall to help the fallen one(s) to get up.

Some of the students did not quite understand what she said. So, I rephrased. I told them that it's like when someone in the group is sick, you would not want everyone in the group to get sick as well. Because at least one or a few groupmates have to stay healthy in order to help treating the sick one(s).

When I recalled about the point I said after that session, I was really stunned. This was a profound knowledge indeed.

The bell rang. My session ended. I gave a homework to the students to find out what my name is through the senior seekers. I told them I would give presents for those who could find out my nickname, and I would give a treat for those who could find out my full name. And I went out from the class, followed by my assistants.

We ran towards our own class, the Primary 6 class, because we saw our teachers gathering our classmates in lines, interrogating them one by one. So, we joined in the lines with curiousity on what had happened.

Apparently, one of our classmates had conducted illegal activity that had taken the lives of many seeker-to-be. And our teachers were trying to identify who that person was.

I saw one of the teachers interrogating one person with full of intensity. I wondered if he/she was the culprit.

I have just understood one of the most effective solutions to be in peace with whatever wordly or outward problems and concern that keep bugging me. Those problems and concerns have somehow cretead distress occassionally.

Among those problems are feeling timid of myself, having concern on what others would think of me, forming judgments, negative thoughts and wrong intentions, and falling in love with someone I cannot be with.

To be in peace is indeed started with Remembrance. However, it is not simply remembering by tongue and by heart. This is because even with the remembrance by heart there are many layers of it. When we do the daily wirid, most often we do it in the very first few layers of the heart. Nevertheless, we can actually dive further in. How to do this?

Meditation and consciousness of breathing with the help of reflection indeed some of the ways to reach deep down our hearts. We can do it anywhere, even at work. It is easier of course to do it when we are alone in the darkness, with both eyes closed and having two fingers connected. But we can also do it in the crowd, with both eyes opened while socialising with people; this is not easy though.

Diving inwards really helps to reach deep down to our connections with the mashaykh, Rasulullah and Allah. It really can help to comfort us, knowing there is always someone, or even more than one people or beings that will always be there, walking with us and holding our hands step by step throughout the Journey.

I really have a great time learning how to do it, and at the end, I am really in peace with where I am, what I am and how I am at the moment. Knowing that there are at least one, or two or three with me, inside me, one or two next to me and the Highest Being at the core is really comforting. I just feel like I want to be there forever and never want to leave their presence. This is why sometimes I take quite some time to open my eyes from the state of connection in zikr circle or after establishing daily connection (rabita); there is a great attraction for me to stay there. Furthermore, I have to ask permission from all these many great people and Being one by one to allow me to leave their presence... or at least to allow me to open my eyes with the tendency of leaving their presence. Asking permission to each one is in itself taking quite some time; I would not want to be less respectful to any one for rushing off from his presence.

Though diving inwards to our divine connection is not easy to be done in the crowd. It helps in fact to realise that it can be achieved with every single breath that we take. Every huuu (single breath) travels very fast and can reach to that connection at an instant. However, the problem with us, humans, is we forget. It is easier for us to forget when we are in the middle of doing our service to the world, to other fellow seekers, etc.

So, really... it takes a lot of practice to make that diving inwards occurs anytime and anywhere, with whoever we are. It takes a lot of practice to keep continuous connection to that Hands that holding us, and eventually to the Divine. And through our daily responsibilities, trials and hardships do we get to practice more of that connection.

Insya Allah at the end of the Journey, we will be in constant peace with ourselves.

May Allah guide all of us.