I don't know why I'm so lethargic to people, especially new people. Being married has definitely brought me lots of happiness, alhamdulillah, despite of the small glitches here and there.

My husband has been the most amazing man I've ever known, the best in characters and manners but not to forget, he's handsome too. Overall, he's the most beautiful man God has ever sent me. What more could anyone ask but a man who aspires to follow the footsteps of the Prophet (pbuh) closely? When placed according to situational context, what more could anyone ask but a man who is granted wisdom in his characters and manners? What more could anyone ask but a man of God, who returns everything he does or he faces to God? What more could anyone ask but a man who tells you stories of awliya, sahabis and anbiya to teach you lessons of God? What more could anyone ask but a man who makes you feel at home every time he talks about God? What more could anyone ask but a man who praises God in the most beautiful and unique praises?

Alhamdulillah, God has given me the best of man. I often wonder who this man actually is, what his spiritual roles are, and so on. But I remember what Mawlana used to tell me, "Things may not be necessary for me to know." So, stop being curious!

For me, the hardest test of being married is in-laws and their extended relatives. Even with my own family and relatives, I have difficulties socialising sincerely with the adults. I would usually choose to play with the kids instead of joining adults' conversations. When I first introduce to everyone, everyone's name seems to just pass through, entering my right ear and exiting my left ear. More when I know that in such extended family, the problem of one family seems to become the problem of all the relatives. The problem is openly discussed in public, with or without the consent of the related party. This unfortunately occurs in my own family too. That's why I am a bit lethargic with an additional 'big family' thingy.

May God always pulls me through. All I ask is for Him to grant me patience and sincerety in the face of all in front of me.

Sometimes, I'm insincere in my interactions with relatives although at the surface God has made me to try my best putting a smile and looking sincere. My heart is torchered.

My husband always tells me to return every thing to God, the sincerity or insincerety of mine is never mine at the first place. Every thing is from Him. Therefore, he said, "Why mustn't I be happy? It's all God's doings."

He is right definitely. To learn from him how he is always happy with God, despite all the goods and bads, is one thing I deeply intend in my marriage to him.

He told me that the heart of a true believer, of one who has not only travelled the paths of shari'ah and tariqah but also haqiqat and ma'rifah, is always the same in the face of goods or bads. Given good things makes him or her happy; given bad things does not change the happy feeling. He said "A true believer would see goods and bads as the same because they are all from God, and what come from God always good. So, why mustn't we be always happy?"

He is again right, and I definitely want to be happy. Insya Allah, God-willing, I'm learning from him, from the one who is always happy. Ameen.

Dear Mawlana

Let my sight be Your Sight
Let my hearing be Your Hearing
Let my speech be Your Speech
Let my actions be Your Actions

Let my thought be your thought
Let my feeling be your feeling
Let my love be your love
Let my prayers be your prayers

In short...
Let me be You
for I'm nothing without You

I can't believe that marriage is actually gonna happen to me. All this while, i've been so pessimistic about the chance of me getting my own happiness through marriage. Now, nothing seems impossible when God wants it to happen.

It's the most mind-boggling process I could ever imagine. Within three days after getting to know each other, we settled with the idea that we're getting married. How quick is that?!

Within less than two weeks, we have asked permissions from necessary parties, planned the date and time, as well as dowry.

The most touching thing that I couldn't believe still is that I could get such a nice and beautiful man. I wonder what I did that has made God happy enough to give him as a gift to my door. He makes me feel like his queen.

He offered me the most unexpectedly beautiful dowry, a one-night recitation of the whole Dalay-ul Khayrat especially for my dowry in the hereafter. And for this world, he's gonna give me a wedding ring.

I truly feel honoured. It's the first time in my life knowing a man who's willing to put me first before his other needs. One thing I need to learn to sincerely accept is that he puts me next after God and the Prophet. That's one amiable thing I need to learn from him.

I've begun to love him... bit by bit, missing him in his absence. I love being loved by him.

But most importantly, I honestly believe that he is a Door to God, opened to me by Mawlana.

Often I wonder if I'm worthy enough for him. I've never felt that I'm good enough, considering my flawed characters and high ego. But I sincerely hope that I'd make him happy, that I'd be the one who makes him smile each day, the one he confides in each day.

I truly hope it will work out fine this time, insya Allah.

Days have been really amazing indeed. Despite not knowing if I will be able to visit Mawlana again in Cyprus, not knowing if the date I propose to fly home will be approved by the deputy of my region, and not knowing if the guy I emailed my feeling of love to has read my mail, everything has been great!

I spent two days with the German lady who can speak with the nature and who is also a spiritual healer. Somehow I knew Mawlana sent her to me because on our appointment day, she called me by my first name while I have never mentioned it to her. I introduced myself with my pet name, the name almost everyone knows me with. However, I did introduced myself to Mawlana with my first name. That is why I was so surprised when she called me by that name and immediately concluded that it was a divine sign.

On the first day we spent together, she took me to two quaries in a nature reserve area. She trained me to feel the energy in different spots around the quaries. She pointed out hundred-years old stones and formations, in which spirits live. She brought me to her temple, which is an old altar-like stone. It was the first time in my life I know the difference between female and male energy. It was the first time I knew how to bring out my spiritual potential -- through meditation.

From the nature's painting on the rock formations, I learnt to see the manifestation of the spirits that live and guard the places. The entity of the spirits is something that human cannot understand; therefore, we cannot quantify. Nevertheless, spiritual beings sometimes show themselves to human beings in forms our minds can understand, e.g. a bear, a knight, a lady, two persons sitting face-to-face on their knees establishing spiritual connection, etc.

I learnt how all the four elements are manifested in creations, be it human, animal, plant, rock, etc. Each element has different kind of energy and delivers different characters too. She told me why we may not be able to feel the energy of certain places or people: it may be because our dominating element is the same as the element of the place/people we are trying to relate to.

It was a beautiful day indeed! We saw a butterfly fluttering on the surface of the water, an eagle flying low capturing a fish from the water, an army of ants carrying pollens with their jaws that we thought it was some animals we had never seen before. We did some chanting together. I taught her how to chant our sufi remembrance. We chanted in the open air, inviting the nature to chant with us, singing the praises of God and the Beloved Prophet. I was so happy because I knew all the spirits are singing joyfully and moving together in vibration of love with us. I saw with my opened eyes huge amount of light floating in the atmosphere above the quary. Beautiful! I ended the chanting session by asking her to say some prayers and she sung her prayers in three different languages: Sanskrit, German and Tibetan. The last one she sung was a healing prayer.

I showed her Mawlana's photograph and she meditated on his energy. She said Mawlana is very pure and has female energy. As I've already learnt how female energy feels, I knew that it was loving and subtle, creeping slowly from every direction, just like Mawlana's love I receive from creatures/creations whom he has sent on my way... from every direction. SubhanAllah!

Three days after, I met up with her again to take her to the tomb of the saint I usually visit every Thursday before my spiritual congregation of love. She told me she felt the energy of this place attracting her for the past one year, but she did not know if she could just come to the place. Apparently, I was her door to the saint. Alhamdulillah!

I pointed out to her the photo of the saint and she told me how the saint and Mawlana have a resemblence. She taught me that such resemblence can only result from love. Indeed, Mawlana's love to this saint is unimaginably great and deep! I cannot tell how he loves this saint, but I've requested Mawlana to teach me how much he loves this saint, to give me glimpses of how he feels towards this saint.

She has really fallen in love with the energy of the saint that she asked me if she could come again alone next time. Then I said 'of course!' We separated. I made my way to my favourite river, to catch maghrib prayer at the mosque there. At the same time I want to see and feel the energy of the old tree around the area, which the German lady has told me about. She, on the other hand, went back home to harness the energy she just received from the saint.

I always wonder why I love to sit by this river so much. That day I knew the answer. She told me earlier that the river is the root cakra (energy point) of the city. The quary we visited three days before was the heart cakra. She mentioned the locations of the five other cakras of the city to me as well. This new knowledge has really amused me.

Being around her has somewhat built my confidence in the spiritual potential and purpose God has assigned me. All this while I've been pushing it away, saying that it's just a delusion, for afraid of pride. But now, I realise the importance of harnessing it. I have begun to accept the possibility that a reading of my destiny, saying that i was the leader of such and such might be true. Plus with the fact that some companions had seen me with Mawlana, or seen my face when making connection with Mawlana... plus last night, the representative of Mawlana in the city, showing me much respect, telling me that I am qualified to lead the women, has given me another boost. I'm rather afraid if my pride shoots up.

Perhaps, all these people sent to me are meant to give me a confidence-boost: the Italian lady, the Holland lady, the two German ladies, a few fellow seekers and the representative of Mawlana. I'm really depending on Mawlana to work on me, to keep me humble yet serving my real purpose. That's my only wish in life, to be used by the Divine Hands. What's the meaning of having been created if not useful for the Creator!

We'll see...

This period has been one of the strangest stages in my life. Weird things happened, which made me puzzle on the wisdoms behind their occurrences. Meeting with special people along the way is something I'd always treasure. Again, having fallen in love so deeply would be another beautiful pain.

Among the special people in the past few months are an Italian lady who is kind of a psychic. She somewhat told me that I was a star but there's a hole in my heart. "You are a star, but you have to believe it", that's what she said. She also told me she'd sew my wedding dress. I felt so touched by what she said. Indeed, I'd been struggling with my self-confidence for the longest period of time. As I grew up and became independent, supporting my family, I gained more confidence. But still spiritually, I surpressed myself in front of some grown-up women I'd been around with, who'd seen my beauty but at the same time judged my flaws as well. I didn't believe of the strong connection Mawlana had had with me cuz I was too afraid to be boastful about it. But I believe that Mawlana had somehow sent the Italian lady to boost up my confidence.

Another lady I met was from Holland, one of the warriors sent to prepare the time before Imam Mahdi (a.s.) came. She pointed out my birthmark and said I was special.

I met this German lady at Mawlana's place. She's special to me cuz although she'd been observing Mawlana only from the far, she always cried and her face would turn red. After the first day we introduced ourselves to each other, she dreamt seeing me appear enlightened in front of her. "Very beautiful!" she said. We still write to each other until now.

After that trip to visit Mawlana, I made my decision I had to go back to my hometown for some time, a couple of months to a year or so. A major decision in my life! It's not gonna be easy but I've gained more confidence in my connection with Mawlana, especially knowing that he works in me occassionally, he sends the people that come to me, he observes the guys that come for me and my interactions with them from the windows of his house, etc. I'll be fine insya Allah.

I met another German lady, who slightly looked like the German lady I met earlier. Then, I met another special lady, whom I've had the strong feeling that she's one of the warriors that prepares for the coming of Imam Mahdi (a.s.) as well. She is a British whose conversion initiated by Mawlana visiting her in her room, telling her to come to his place. I had the priviledge of joining her morning khatm once, with a small group of 5 to 6 ladies. The whirling I did then was different from any other whirling I did before. I saw the outpourings of lights from the heavens, coming down to fill up my teapot. The feeling was intensely beautiful. I fell on my knees and cried after the whirling. Only after some time, I realised it was the tajalli coming down.

Then, the latest special lady I met is another German, whose special ability is to speak with the nature. She knew about the tsunami 2004 from a huge tree months before the disaster. The tree said there'd be a big flood. Then, two days before the boxing day, she heard from one of the rivers in Germany, telling her that water was rising. Now, she did nature blessings and cleansings at some temples and nature reserves. She joined our sufi zikr for a couple of weeks already.

Apparently, my task in this city has somehow or rather settled at the moment. The ladies have had their own zikr group; it's up and running smoothly as how Mawlana wants it although it should be more mobile, accepting invitation to any lady's house no matter how far it is. I've found my replacements: one to coordinate the ladies zikr, another two to serve the ladies in the main group. They are still awkward though when serving the ladies, but they'll learn insya Allah.

One of my replacements is a special girl, whose 6-year old sister had seen the Prophet (s.a.w.) sitting in front of her when she was making the muraqabah. This girl is memorising the Qur'an at the moment. She's a special girl. Mawlana revealed who he really is to her. From the first time she came to the zikr, I told her she could come to me, but she didn't believe it. So, i let her did whatever she wanted. Until one day, somehow Mawlana made her believe that she could come to me if she needs anything cuz that's why I'm here for at the first place, for any of the ladies to come for anything under the Sun.

Alhamdulillah! It seems that almost all have been settled. I began to feel the lack of purpose in my life. Perhaps that's why I badly feel I wanna go back to my hometown though, to find my meaning again. Besides, apparently I have another mission there. The representative Shaykh in my hometown wants me to help setting up the ladies zikr there. I am a bit afraid though cuz I am nothing, and it's a burden to be seen as somewhat leading or coordinating. I don't like to be seen as something. Plus, the challenge to set up zikr group may be a lot tougher in Indonesia due to the number of extremist ideologies there, which are often being judgemental about others. But insya Allah, if Mawlana works through me, everything will be fine. I have to allow Mawlana to work through me to reach my family, relatives and friends too, aren't I?!

As my time in this city is almost up, I feel nervous and anxious. I don't want to go, but I have to. I might go insane if I continued staying here without anyone as a shoulder to cry on. No one here is obliged to be there for me, and it's exhausting to keep looking for people who are free to attend to me today. Then, I'd have different people consoling me at any different time, which is very inconvenient. I need at least one constant person. That's one of the reasons I decide to go back. It's time!

Nevertheless, I'm restless of leaving people I love here. Mawlana sent 3 guys around me at the moment. One I've fallen in love with and occassionally go out casually with me. The other just showed up a few days ago, he's my old time crush I saw at Mawlana's place, the son of one of Mawlana's representative in Germany. He responded to my request of getting to know him for the sake of marriage. The third one is the hottest guy in my previous office, who happened to bump into me the other day, invited me to join their lunch and flirted with me throughout. Strangely, the night before, I did dream about 3 guys sent to me while Mawlana was watching over me from his house. Ya Mawlana, what do you want me to do with these guys?! Anyone is for me?

I've confessed to the first one, whom I've fallen in love with, though. A chickened-out confession of mine, I did it through email. He's not an email person, so I doubt he has seen my confession. I hope he'd give me an answer in-time before I leave this city, which is in about one-month time.

Strangely again, some people who are sent to me are not even muslims. However, they have the light of spirituality in them. They have wisdoms and believe in God. Some have experiences spirituality in a certain way. Others are those with mental problems, black magic, unique gifts such as ability to do spiritual healing, seeing the unseen and so on, whose paths somehow cross my path frequent enough to make me realise I have to invite them to the Path. Dear Mawlana, am I indeed at the door as what I saw years back? Would you still hold me tight even if I'm one of the furthest?

We'll see what happens as the roses unfold -:)

It's been a really long while. Almost a year, I haven't been writing. I have not been feeling those little fractions of my life as what I used to do. Really swarmed with the hectic working life, which has taken me away from many things that I love, from God's countless blessings I used to be overhelmed with.

I miss those moments of appreciating The Majestic Him and His Beauty, of praising His All-Around Divine Bounty, and of being annihilated by His Love and Mercy. I really miss that.

The Wind is currently blowing me again, carrying me to a destination I know nothing about. As much as I want to know where it is carrying me, as much as I want to know where I'm gonna land next, It seems to always change its direction, carrying me to a place I've never thought of before.

The Strong but Subtle Wind begun in August, when I went back to my home country and town without being planned much earlier. I didn't think I would go back at that time. I felt peculiar with the fact that I suddenly went back; I thought God has some things planned for me during this trip. True enough... He sent a guy from the past, whom I haven't met for 8 years, on my way. We knew each other only for 3 months before I had to move to another country, but we had feelings for each other. He travelled from his city to see me in Jakarta; we talked for 5 hours. I did my prayers after that, asking God if he's the right one for me. And the Answer was NO. Though some of my dreams did show that he loved me, most of my dreams gave me warnings about him. Strangely, on the airplane that took me back to Jakarta, I met a pious old man who told me that this guy was not the one for me; he's not good enough for me.

This same old man also predicted that the right man for me is tall, white and working in the bank. He also said that this man has known me for a while, but has been observing me or monitoring my well-being from the perimeter. He has not got into my circle yet. The old man said that this man will present himself to me within these two months, which means within September and October. He also said that the marriage would be in 2008. No one has exactly suited his descriptions of the Mr. Right. Nevertheless, perhaps those descriptions are symbolic. Perhaps I should not take it literally.

Two more guys, whom I have/had crushed for, are brought in front of me. One is 4 years younger than me, whom I've kinda liked since he was in his 17 or 18 but i kinda pushed the feeling away knowing that he's still very young. The other was 4 years older than me, whom i had a crush for when he was a superior in my company. Can't you see how nice God's planned to send people to me: 4 years younger and 4 years older?!

If God allows me to choose, I would choose the younger one cuz although he thinks he's not ready, especially financially, i truly believe in the blessings that would come upon us and our family if we are united. If I'm allowed to choose, I would only go out with the younger one.

But God knows what's best for me. Perhaps, the young man is sent to my way for a purpose other than marriage. Perhaps, we are supposed to teach each other. Besides, from what I know of him, he's similar to me in many ways.

So, as much as I only want to go out with this beautiful young man, I still have to try going out with the 30-year old guy knowing that there's a possibility that he might be the one for me. He's not a muslim though. It's gonna be tough for me I guess.

We'll see. I am really trying my best to be as objective as possible, not to fall deeply to any of them at this moment. I know that there's a possibility that one or both may break my heart again. Or perhaps I should say... I break my heart myself. It's never been anyone else's fault if I'm hurt; it's always been my own fault. Or perhaps... God just loves me more and He wants me not for anyone but Himself. Wallahu'alam. Well... October has not ended yet. Another guy might come on my way.

Oh ya... I'm too excited sharing about the guys sent into my life that I forgot that in fact, The Strong but Subtle Wind also brings a beautiful breeze from the North, from the place of my beloved Mawlana, whom I dreamt of visiting all this while. At one point, I stopped dreaming of being able to visit him since financially I'm supporting three people who live in three different places, including myself. But really... God works wonder. When I'm not at all thinking about it, somehow an Invitation from Above was sent to my door. My close friends are sponsoring my flight to visit him. It's really amazing. I couldn't even say my gratitude in words.

The same Wind has also pushed me to resign from my current job and and to consider moving back to my hometown.

Basically now, I don't know what I'm gonna do or where I'm gonna be. BUT one thing that i know is that...

I'm flying with the Wind now, fully aware that I'm on it without knowing where it's gonna carry me next. Insya Allah, if God wills, everything is going to be fine  I just hope God will always guide me cuz I'm nothing without Him.

you know something... sometimes I wonder why people think I'm a super good and nice young lady while I myself am aware that all the good things that come from me are God's Doings. I am fully aware that I'm not as good as they think I am. I'm fully aware that when God, through Mawlana, does not work in me, I'm nothing. So, i hope He will always send His Divine Wind to carry me and let me surrender to The Wind.

Before dawn today, I dreamt I was diagnosed for a lung cancer. It was my right lung that was infected. I was told that I had only a few more weeks to live.

I did not quite feel anything; I was not happy, nor I was sad. I honestly looked forward to leaving this world because it has been really hard to survive each day. Nevertheless, I knew I had not had enough good deeds to save me in the afterlife.

So, from then onwards, I tried to do as much good deeds I could possibly do in case they might help save if not all of me, part of me, in the hereafter.

Please make dua for me that Allah will always be pleased with me and my afterlife is made easy. Thank you for your dua :)

Quite a number of things have happened in the past few weeks. There are some repeat tests to see if I have improved in working the solutions, more realisations on the flaws in my character, deeper lessons on the state of the heart and so on.

I am tuning down really. Life honestly wears me down. I really have to keep seeking something to grab and hold on as I wake up each morning, just to hopefully keep myself going another day.

The good thing is that I become more aware on the Blessings of God in even the smallest fraction of a moment I can grasp. It's like I am made to learn to split my moment into a few fractions and search happiness within those fractions.

I realise indeed time may expand, depending on the state of one that determines his capability to stretch time. A lot of things can happen in a fraction of a second and it's really overwhelmingly beautiful to be brought to awareness to the many things happening at that moment. Amazing! Breath-taking!

I have never met Mawlana who is the Principle of my school in person before. I dreamt of him once last time but I saw only his back. Nevertheless, some fellow seekers did dreamt of me being with Mawlana side by side, etc.

Two nights ago, I was surprised to be brought to his presence. He sat next to his wife, Hajjah, who passed away about two years ago. I was summoned in front of them in standing position while they were sitting behind a table.

I so love that moment. They gave me such a loving look I could never imagine to have such an honour before. I have never think I deserve such love but they did give it anyway. I am happy.

With a warm smile, Mawlana asked me, "Please take care of my wife." Both them, still with their loving look, then smiled at me.

I feel truly honoured.

I wonder what it could mean though.